Speaking From the Heart Communication | 0:00:08 – 0:01:30 (82 Seconds)
0:00:08 Bill De La Cruz
All right, hey everybody, bill Milacruz here and you’re listening to the Origination Point podcast, and I have a really great guest that we’re going to have a great conversation about communication and speaking with the heart, and if you’ve been listening to our podcast, you know that’s. A big part of what we talk about is how do we create connections, and the origination point is the idea of everything that we are as adult beings has an origination point in our early childhood, in our early growing up, and that it’s all connected. And so this idea of speaking from the heart, while it sounds really great, isn’t natural for a lot of us and it’s something that even myself I had to learn because it wasn’t a part of what I grew up with or what my parents taught me. And so this is just an extension of that conversation and I have a great guest, dr Heather Brown, who is going to tell you a lot about herself and her books and a new book that’s just come out, and we’re just going to have a free-flowing conversation. So, heather, welcome, it’s great to have you here.
0:01:24 Heather Brown
Thank you, thank you so much, thank you so much. I’m honored to be here and thank you listeners
Exploring Healing and Personal Responsibility | 0:08:43 – 0:09:49 (66 Seconds)
0:08:43 Heather Brown
What can we do so we can change that?
0:08:47 Bill De La Cruz
Yeah.
0:08:48 Heather Brown
There’s all these opportunities if you open the door up but we shut them. Don’t do this, don’t act like this. I hate it. When you do this, it’s your fault. You don’t listen, you don’t understand instead of well, where could we go with this?
0:09:00 Bill De La Cruz
Yeah, and we’re almost all socialized to those other ways of being in shutting people out or shutting people down. And even when I talk with folks and they say you know, something triggered me, and I say, well, you know, the trigger is yours, was was a catalyst, and so you can either choose to own the trigger and explore your own experience, or you can choose to destroy the relationship and attack the other person, when all they are is a catalyst for something that you experienced at another time in your life that’s not healed yet, and so so that’s a really interesting piece to about. You know how to? How do people go through a healing process when they have a blind spot?
Navigating Triggers and Communication Styles | 0:11:48 – 0:13:24 (96 Seconds)
0:11:48 Bill De La Cruz
And I think we get to make those choices after we become more aware of of what a triggering effect actually is, and and it’s not about the other person, it’s about me, and so so in this, I know you have a lot of formats for how you set up a conversation, so what are some of formats for how you set up a conversation? So what are some of the things that you think are important for folks to hear about in terms of why don’t I even step into a conversation, or how do I become more aware of my triggers if I don’t know them? Because we all have blind spots also, and so so it’s not like everybody can step into a conversation and go, okay, here’s where I might be triggered, let me be aware of that, let me what? If I do get triggered, I’m going to process through it this way, and so those are some of the things I do, because I work with a lot of large groups of people and and I know that within any group, there’s people who want to be there, people who have to be there and people all over the spectrum, and so so I get less and less triggered, because I have been in a healing process for a long time, and yet when I do get triggered, I know how to process through it. And I think the other piece is how did you experience me is a much different conversation than what’s wrong with you or what did I do wrong.
0:13:14 Heather Brown
Yeah, and everyone’s gonna experience you a little bit differently and you’re going to be experienced differently depending upon what’s going on in a conversation.
Understanding Communication and Perception | 0:19:02 – 0:19:59 (57 Seconds)
0:19:02 Heather Brown
Oh, you care about my experience Absolutely, but I’ve got the knowledge that if you’re experiencing me well and this conversation well, it’s going to go better for me. If you’re experiencing me as being harsh or critical or judgmental or not getting you, it’s not going well, and so I take ownership and responsibility of my part. I also don’t believe it’s up to somebody else to understand me. I don’t think anybody can really know if we understand one another or not. I’ll say you know that that, that the, the, the wall behind you is a little bit soft white. I don’t know if you see the same color that I see. I’ll never know. And so if I don’t believe that you can ever really crawl into my head can’t really crawl into my heart completely, I’ll never know.
Navigating Life Without Expectations | 0:28:42 – 0:30:23 (101 Seconds)
0:28:42 Bill De La Cruz
So I was having a conversation this morning with a group about expectations. We were talking about so how do expectations impact? Because if you have an expectation of me and you don’t tell me and I don’t meet your expectation, and then you get upset, whose issue is it yours or mine? And so so I just asked them to think about. You know, is it? Is it fair to have expectations? And in my own life, I grew up in an abusive home and my expectation of being cared for and loved were never met, and so my personal perspective on expectations is they’re set up for disappointment because nobody will ever meet my expectations, and some days I don’t even meet my own. And I also found that if, if I live in expectation, I’m always living in the future versus being present, because I’m always out here looking at, well, is this person going to meet it, and so I’m not really even present with them.
0:29:47 Heather Brown
So I found that if-, which then lessens what it would be, sometimes too.
0:29:50 Bill De La Cruz
Say that again.
0:29:51 Heather Brown
Like it can lessen what it can be. If I’m saying, oh, it’s got to be like this, then every place it doesn’t feel that way, like I’m not happy, I’m not comfortable, it’s not going the way I want, and so I continually pull myself back because I’ve already decided what it is to be, whereas if I go and open and say, oh wow, I didn’t think it was going to be like this at all Isn’t this amazing? I may end up finding that it’s even better than I could have ever in my head imagined.
Collaboration in Decision Making | 0:39:34 – 0:40:33 (59 Seconds)
0:39:34 Heather Brown
And if that were, let’s say, my situation, and I’m a processor, and let’s say you’re not, you’re a decider. You come to me and you say, heather, we got to figure this out within five minutes. It would be really important for me to say this is going to be a problem for me because I’m a processor. And if you say it needs to be resolved, then I’m going to say, okay, I don’t know if I’ll come to a place where I’m solid, but I can share big yeses and nos, and I might not be at the place where it’s decided, but if it has to be decided in five minutes, which most things don’t, then at least we’re working together on that. And you know, I might not get to a complete yes with you in five minutes. I might get to like that’s not too bad, like that’s doable.
0:40:21 Bill De La Cruz
And I’ll go think about it.
0:40:24 Heather Brown
Yeah.
0:40:25 Bill De La Cruz
And I’ll come back.
0:40:29 Heather Brown
Sometimes not.
0:40:30 Bill De La Cruz
Yeah.
0:40:31 Heather Brown
There’s also a place to find out if the person’s a debater.
